Am I really? From the inside out?  Like I consistently proclaim on here, to my friends, to God?

I was stunned tonight when a friend told me that he’d been hurt by my seemingly judgmental and close-minded attitude about his preference for Catholicism.

I was blindsided by the confrontation and nearly cried right in front of him.  I’ve come off as more judgmental and a lot less transformed than I thought.

I suppose it’s all good to blog about my struggles with judgment and feel alright about coming clean to the world wide web, but where is the transformation and change?  After tonight I wondered, am I really opening this part of my life to God for Him to change it?  I think I get too ahead of myself when I affirm my issues, over and over again, so much to the point that I believe that simply being honest about my sin struggle is enough.  But that’s silly.  Obviously I can’t simply write everything off and say, “Oh don’t worry – that’s just my struggle.  It’s just a dang thorn in my flesh.  What can I do?”

I can’t struggle with these thorns and not expect to change.  How can I intimately encounter Christ and not be changed, perfected into His likeness?

Yeah, it hurts. In one moment you think you’re doing mighty fine, and then in the other you have that security yanked out from under you when someone tells you that they blatantly see you in a way that suggests otherwise.  Not to mention the humility of realizing that you aren’t nearly as well off as you thought.

You’re not doing mighty fine, Alicia.  You’re coming off as self-righteous, close-minded and belittling.  I feel like my beliefs are invalid when I’m around you.

To hear that was, like I said, stunning, but I was immediately glad that it came out into the open.  As a human prone to repeated mistakes and general ridiculousness, I need that accountability.  I need people to call me out on that stuff.

Realizing this was a blow to my big fat ego, which really needs a healthy, roundhouse kick to the  face from time to time, if not every day.  Tonight I came to God more broken than I’ve been in the past three months, and sincerely begged Him to expose areas of my life that don’t please Him and to change me.  It’s a precious perspective I have tonight that I never want to lose.

Advertisements