Here’s the latest thing weighing oh-so-heavy, and dangerously so, on my heart.  It’s teetering on the edge and I’m afraid that this is something that will cause a massive stumble.  Not the “epic” kind, either.

I wonder if God allows things to happen to me in order to truly know (deep down in my bowels) how depraved I really am.  Which seems silly to me sometimes, and positively aggravating, because I don’t feel like grasping my emptiness without Him is something I particularly struggle with.  I usually believe that I have an healthy understanding of my depravity, and my need for a Savior to have intimacy with God for eternity.  I get that.  But God doesn’t seem to see it that way; He doesn’t seem to think that I understand it quite enough.  I keep falling hard into sin, each time afterward feeling the dread only a sinner could feel, like a little girl showing her parents the vase she broke after horsing around in the living room, overwhelmed with a palpable sense of guilt.  Of course, if it weren’t for her parent’s forgiveness, her guilt/worry would never go away and her relationship with them would be forever altered for the worse.  Thankfully that’s how things work with my Heavenly Parent, who’s love and forgiveness will never run dry, but still…

There are times when, after God replaces the vase, I continually break it, over and over.  And over.  There are tons of times I sincerely believe that because I’ve already destroyed it millions of times before, there’s no way I’ll break it this time.  You know, I’ll start to steer clear of the vase, I’ll start to grasp the danger of all those sharp-edged, broken pieces… then I’ll get pretty pumped because I haven’t broken the vase for ages and I’ll brave going near it again, eventually believing that the vase really isn’t harmful at all and never really was – what was I so worried about??  Then… well, take a wild guess.

I see this cycle in my life.  It stretches back to when I first took note of my sinfulness and decided that the depraved route wasn’t the way to go, when I was already well into “breaking vases”, if you will.  There are things I’m still dealing with now, two and a half years after the fact, and at times I feel I’ve made no leeway in putting a wedge between those particular sins and me.  Oh boy.  It can get discouraging.

But I have to wonder, too… why does God keep putting the vase back in the first place?  I mean, dang.  I feel like I will never get out of these circumstances that tempt me so much, and I am frustrated, even angry when I think that God might be deliberately allowing me to fall prey to this crap in order to teach me something.  Well, God, it’s worked, because I’m no more aware of how stinking depraved I am than when I have just finished succumbing to temptation and immediately feel conviction as only the Holy Ghost can bring.  I just came across this notion today and couldn’t keep my mind off it.  I wonder though, if it’s even Scriptural.

Is this something I shouldn’t be believing?

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